I'm so bored

Frank Lister is so bored these days.  Is this all there is?  When that gun was shoved into the base of my neck and I was kneeling down pissing myself, all I could think about was how mundane my life has been for the past years (too many to quantify).   sometimes, I will place myself in sitations that aren;t really me.  daydreaming I guess.  In the above case, I was that dude in Fight Club.  The asian kid who Tyler Durden was going to kill but wasn;t going to kill casue there were no bullets int he gun to begin with.  The one who had the best tasting breakfast the next morning.  Some days I pretend to be that guy.  Or I'll be a pro-wrestler and hear theme music that accompanies me everywhere i go.  I'll enter a room and throw back pretend curtains and make some grand motion with my hands.  You know, something that says AAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!  I am big bad and powerful.  One day on the bus I pictured myself punching a guy in the face.  He was talking really loud on his phone and that just pissed me off.  he was much bigger than me, which isn;t hard to be since I'm small.  B ut I jsut looked at him and looked at the lady who sitting next to him, who looked equally annoyed and I gave her the look.  The look that said, I got this.  My theme music hit and I just popped him.  Popped him in the nose.  He dropped his phone and I picked it up abnd placed it between my teeth and just crunched it like a bowl of cereal.  Then I pointed to the SEPTA sign that had a cartoon dude punching another dude in the face with the caption, TALKING LOUDLY (and for long periodsof time) ON YOUR CELLPHONE ON THE BUS SHOULD GET YOU PUNCHED IN THE FACE.  everyone cheered and some people even offered me some candy for what I had done.  Then it all came rushing back.  I passed the same shit I pass everyday on the way to work.  I made sure to catch the eyes of every person who, like a zombie, clawed their way onto the bus not quite knowing why and not quite in full control of thier faculties.  In theoir eyes I saw things.   I saw things that disturbed me.  I saw how all of the things that I thought I would accomplish in my life have amounted to absolutley nothing.  I am in the same place that I was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.  Right now, life is a boil on my neck that is pulsing and pumping posion into my mind.  I feel insane most days.  Not sure If I am moving at all.  insane, not sure if I am staning still or traveling backwards through time.  Some days I only want a little.  Some days I expect a lot.  If I stop for a brief second ,I realize what it is that I want.  But it comes so quickly that I cannot remember what it is if I start moving again.  What I don't want is this.  I don't want to be riding on the bus going to the same place as these people everyday.  Not sure where I want to go but I don't want to go anywhere with them.  I never knew that lawyer guy from my work lived in my neighborhood.  He got off the bus and asked me if I was on the same bus.  I said, no. I told him I walk to work and this was a weird coincidence.  That's too close.

Trapped like bees in a hive.  Scared of getting old.